This poem was written in 2008, when I was in grade 11. As I look back, I realize that it was then that I admitted to myself that I struggled with depression–it was the first time that I acknowledged and recognized how it influenced my life, how it made me wear to faces. As I look at where I am now, facing the ups and downs of depression and recovery from ED, it’s stunning how far and simultaneously similar of a place I’m in. I wonder if there will ever be a time where there are no remnants, where I don’t read past poems and weep–feel my heart ache with pain for the young girl that cried out and begged for relief. I wonder…But for now, I have this….

 

Each day the sun rises and falls
And with it, so does my mood
It’s an ongoing process
Though I never seem to make in progress
My struggling days are filled with anger
While my restless nights bare no delight
Just the overburden of life’s fight
Everywhere I look, I seek
But these efforts are often unrequited
For I try to speak
Yet I can never quite think of meaningful words
To comfort my torturous wounds
Others around me seem to catch on
They all grasp what they can
While I struggle even just to breathe
The air that so many others have inhaled
And soon after exhaled
Then all over again
It’s like a game you see
Those who catch on early
Receive compassion for their endless actions
Because their reactions to these steadfast equations
Are only in my psychotic imagination
Which acts as my friend
While reality is my undefeated foe
Because I always seem to turn my back
Upon life and its back-breaking duties
So that my alternatives are my undying fantasies, yet however fallacies
Because you see I can’t turn around and face these foretold prophecies
For when I do
Reality will hit like an unexpected enemy
Without preparation or mere anticipation
I’ll just be bombarded and distorted
Until the rapid malicious ticking of time
Will halt and with it the unleash
Of my frightening and threatening
Fears that as I look up to the cursed horizon
There’s no doubt
That my childish ways and once thought out plays
Have suddenly ended
And I’ve just been thrust
Into life’s growing up phase
And as these tears streak my face
Along with this heart stopping change
I must leave what I love in the dust
In order to fulfill life’s earthly wage
For then in the end and from the very beginning
This was to be known as my coming of age

by: Wangui Muya/May 2008/

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