Wow. It’s been 1 whole year. 1 ENTIRE year, that I was admitted into the Inpatient Eating Disorder Program at the Ottawa General Hospital.
One year ago today, I was nearly dead. I was 69lbs.
Skine and bone, despising myself and wanting to die.
I nearly did.
The days leading up to my hospitalization, I cried out to God and told Him I give up. That I had no strength left. The hospital had told me I would have to wait another 3 months, to which I knew I’d be dead by then.
And then, 4 days later. A door opened and by God’s grace, I was admitted on April 20th, 2016 11:30am. I remember that day.
That day was the day that I remember God clearly speaking to me. I stared into the mirror in my hospital room and I heard, “Look at the girl today, for you’ll never see her again”. I stared and saw an emaciated, living breathing skeleton. An empty shell that was being given a second chance.
One year ago today….
And so in honor of this anniversary, though I’m still facing the ups and downs, slips and falls of ED recovery, I want to pause and post my entry on the day I was hospitalized…
One year ago today.
April 20, 2016: Admission number 3..that’s what is..my 3rd admission into an eating disorder inpatient program within the last 3 years. Actually I lied because in total it will now be my 4th round of treatment…
And how do I feel about This? My first instinct is to feel like a failure like a never ending bundle of hopelessness and despair…forever doomed to suffer an eating disorder …to battle with it BUT I’m not that me anymore…I’ve come from far
So how do I really feel? Yes it’s my 3rd impatient attempt. Yes it’s frustrating because I just want to be free and I just Want to walk in what God has for me. I want to feel his goodness and witness a miracle in my life in regards to this prison that I’ve live in for so many years. I want to enjoy food and love and nourish my body and take care of it. I want to be fre from all the lies of the enemy and the venom he’s spewed about my body. I want to have joy and singing in my life rather than constant dispair and dread. Yes I want all these things and at ththe name time I’m scared. At the same time I’m terrier of the weight gain, of the food, of the loss of control. I’m afraid of having made the wrong decision in choosing to try again but most of all I’m afraid that God will disappoint me again. BUT YET and still…there’s a place deep down in my heart…deep deep down that says God will honour you…That this time is different. Yes there’s a sweet place deep down it may be small but it’s still there and that sweet small place is confident that God has heard my cry. That he is really setting me free in every way possible. That his beautiful favour is upon me and he is smiling down upon saying ” my daughter your faith has made you well, go in peace and believe in me and watch and see what I will do in your life, it’ll blow you away”. Yes this is what I hold onto. This time I am free. This time I am at peace. This time he has cleared a straight and clear path for me to recover. This time I will be at ease. This time I will enjoy the journey and sing his praises along the away. Yes indeed this time I will never go back, for my God has seen my cries and has destroyed my enemies in Jesus name. This time I am set on solid ground, this time I am in balance, this time my God will take every single lie the enemy has manifested in my life and not only reverse it but disarm and destroy it. This time I am not walking out of these doors, four north on shaky ground. No in Jesus name this time I am walking out of here being a living and breathing testimony of Gods supernatural power. These things I have declared by the blood of Jesus and the power of the Holy Spirit.
Yes that is how feel.