God I’m scared.
Scared that I’ll never recover;
Scared that I’ll never be free.
Scared that my dance,
My waltz with the devil—Eddy,
Will last forever.
I’m scared that I won’t be able to let go,
Let go of Eddy’s firm grip on my wrist,
His heavy hand on the small of my neck.
Scared of his inhuman strength;
Scared that he’ll continue to rage,
Continue to scream,
Scream that I can’t leave,
Scream that I am his, and his alone.
I’m scared he’ll look me in the eye
Look me in the eye and tell me that—
Tell me that if he can’t have me, then no one can.
He’ll look me in the eye and I’ll stare,
I’ll stare right back and he’ll tell me,
Tell me that I’m going to die,
That it’s inevitable.
And Oh God I’m scared,
So scared I’ll submit–
Submit to this idea–
This idea of being his forever,
I’m scared I’ll stare right back at him
Stare right back and nod my head–
Nod my head in surrender
Surrender and acceptance.
Acceptance of Eddy’s premeditated plan of my imminent death;
And with my acceptance,
With it, I know he’ll laugh–
Laugh and grab my hair and neck.
Yank them hard and force me to look–
Force me to look at myself in the mirror;
And while he has his death grip—
His hands like a vice around the back of my neck;
And his fingers buried and digging, pulling at my hair;
He’ll whisper with an evil laugh at my ear and force me,
Force me to look up into the mirror–
Force me to look at the reflection of the two of us–
The two of us together.
He’ll laugh and whisper to me in an evil cackle,
He’ll ask me with bone-chilling, taunting laughter
Ask me what it is that I see?
He won’t let me finish, won’t let me answer,
As he’ll go on to tell me–
Tell me to look for the ugly girl;
The disgusting woman I am, that I’ve become and are becoming.
He’ll tighten his hands around me
And shift his mouth to the other side of my other ear.
And there, he’ll again ask me,
What it is that I see?
And this time he’ll pause,
He’ll pause and wait for me to answer.
And I’ll look, look up and into the mirror
And search for what it is that I can see.
But as I’ll look, expecting to see the two of us,
The two of us in an entangled and chaotic, abusive embrace;
I’ll step back in shock;
I’ll choke out a muffled cry–
As staring back at me
I’ll only see me,
See my wasting body,
My dull lifeless eyes.
Yes I’ll only see me,
And what I’ve become
Become one in the same with Eddy—a package deal.
And deep inside I’ll break.
I’ll break as my heart quivers and quakes–
Quakes in fear, in sadness–
Sadness for the girl consumed–
Consumed by Eddy.
And as I’ll be breaking and my heart shaking,
Tears streaming down my face,
Eddy will be laughing, laughing in my head—
Laughing all around me.
And I’ll look around frantically;
I’ll be looking for him, for where he is—where he’ll be at;
Where he’ll be hiding and watching me from.
But his laughter will grow in intensity,
And he’ll then be laughing hysterically,
And he’ll say,
“Didn’t you know? Know that the two shall become one?
Didn’t you know? Know when you decided to court with me?
To court with death? To accept my proposal and marry me?”
And it’ll be then that I’ll have a flashback
I’ll remember the day we first met,
The day he smiled at me with a twinkle in his eye.
The day he gave me an intense stare and I stared back into his eyes and fell in love
I’ll remember the day I was so attracted to him
So attracted that I felt my heart flutter
I’ll remember the time he stretched out his hand
And I placed my hand in his and looked up and smiled up at him
And he looked down and winked back
I’ll remember the day I felt his embrace
The day he kissed my lips
And promised me that I’d be forever his
That he would never leave me
And I remember thinking to my self what a lucky girl I was to have found this one—
This one who would never leave me, never forsake me
If only I had known then what I know now…
What Eddy had really meant, what he really had planned.
I’ll remember how it was that day I’d professed my love
I’d given him my trust and my whole heart
And it’s then that I’ll realize, it was back then in the very beginning that I made a mistake
The biggest mistake of my life…
And he’ll continue laughing
And I’ll collapse in horror
As I’ll finally realize
Realize how it is that I married a monster
A monster that I can’t get rid of
That no annulment or divorce paper can free me of…
And as this reality hits me–
Smacks me in the face
I’ll black out from the extent of my emotions
Hoping and praying
That I’ll either wake up from this nightmare
This dance with Eddy, this deathly waltz
Or that he’ll quickly finish me
Finish me off and give me an eternal sleep
Finally some peace, and leave me be
As he’ll have finally killed me.
December 28, 2014 by Wangui Muya
In the midst of struggling towards pushing on in recovery